fml

Ever made a big mistake in your life? One that you know could forever change everything you've ever known?.. Well I've finally reached that point, and never thought I would be in this position. I hurt the woman who is most important to me, who I have always envisioned spending my life with. Now...I'm broken. I feel that someone has taken my soul, every good piece of me and thrown it into the abyss. 

My intentions were never to hurt, never to be deceiving, dishonest, or untrustworthy. But, that's everything I was doing without realizing it. I wish more than anything, that I could take it back and take all of the hurt onto myself.

I can never put into words how much your love means to me, how much I need you and want you with me always. 

I know looking at me now, I'm not the same person you saw before, and won't be for a while. I've tainted everything and for that, I am truly, truly sorry. But, I don't want to be without you. Everything that we've endured..together has been worth it. We've overcome so much already, things that have been so much harder than this, and we came out strong. 

You are worth everything, and I hope that I'm worth everything to you, too.

B.

Death. It's never an easy thing to make peace with.
I thought that this would be more simple. I figured I could shut out the images, the words, and all of the tears that had been shed and move on with my life. But, I can't.
Seeing you in that hospital bed, all of the life drained out of you..has scarred me. Feeling your cold skin, body stiffening beneath my fingers. It haunts me every day.

I can't accept the fact that you are gone. I wish that you could be here for just a while longer so that I would be able to make up for all of the times that I wasn't around. Yet, I know that with death, you are never given a second chance.

Thank you for taking me in, for treating me like your own blood. You will never know how much it has meant. I think of you often and always keep you in my heart.

09/08/11

I'd wait a million years for you to see
I'll never walk away from you
Because you're all I want,
you're all that I need.

I wish that I could feel you here.
Feel your breath, your warmth,
But, slowly you've disappeared.

Kept telling myself that I would never let you go.
It's just been so hard holding onto nothing.
With my heart hurting that much.
I couldn't keep holding onto the unknown.

Every day, every moment,
I'd see you everywhere.
I'd hear your voice, see your smile,
And it was killing me inside.

...

If only you knew,
How deep your actions cut into me.
Slicing every emotion, every good memory,
And replacing them with nothing but the present.
Replacing them instead with disgust and betrayal.
Making me want nothing to do with you.
If only you knew how bad you've hurt me.
I try to understand all of this.
How you of all people could disappoint me this much.
I can never forgive this.
I will never have the same respect, if any at all.
You've chosen what you wanted and I wasn't a part of that.
I hope that you won't regret it later on.
Because I won't be there to help you clean up the mess that you've made.

ForeverLove

This night, I will hold you in my arms like you've been gone a thousand years.

I will kiss you sweetly, tenderly, and full of meaning.

And as our bodies lay, together, I will reach towards you...

Lying my hand upon your chest, feeling your heart beating.

Giving me reassurance that this feeling is real.

That this moment is in fact real.

It may be left unspoken, but there is no real need for me to say in words

how much I love you.

Your beauty leaves me breathless.

I am captivated.

I will forever hold you in my heart, my love.

"Talking"

I feel sick to my stomach right now as I let you walk away from me.

I know there's nothing I can do, nothing I can say to make you come back.

I can't put any restraint. I can't push to be a part of it.

Being alone with you is a privilege that has come with being yours.

I don't feel secure, I don't feel like I can let you be alone with another.

There's so much I want to say to her. So much I want to do.

But, I can't.

I can't because she's a friend. She's a part of your past.

I can't ruin what is precious to you.

My wish.

I feel indifferent about this whole subject whenever it comes up. Everywhere I go, I see little kids with their fathers. I hope for the sake of that child, that they will grow close with their father as they grow old and that they will prosper. That they will have the strongest bond with each other, that nothing, will ever be able to come between them.

Some days, I feel like I just want to break down and cry. I wanted you there. I wanted you to be that father. The ones that I do see everywhere with their children, and the way they look at them. They're proud. They smile, because they are proud. And really, that's all I ever wanted to hear. I never needed anything else, besides to feel you there. Know, that you are behind me, supporting me, loving me, no matter what. You can say it a million times, but I know you were disappointed. For what? I tried everything. But, it never was good enough for you, was it?

I know that in this point in time I just have to face the facts. You will never be there to see me in my glory. You will never be there to see me at my faults. You will no longer be a part of my life. But, there are so many times when I'll stop to think about you, about what we could have had, could have been. But, life is too short and too complicated for those kinds of thoughts. I just wish you could have been a better father, and that I could have been the kind of daughter that you wanted. But, I guess now, neither of us will get what we want.